One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"King Street," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Three Labrador Retrievers
There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed." The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?" And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her." The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her." The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
Monday, February 15, 2010
Husband's Perfect Gify
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you? " "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. "
Remembering Anniversary
What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Get married on his birthday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
EVER WONDER...
EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"
9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"
5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"
10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"
9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"
5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"
A Teenager is...
A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
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