How Do I Lookey?

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Funny Pet #005

Funny Pet #004

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Location:Canberra Dr,,Singapore

Funny Pets #002

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Funny Pets #001

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MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Joke time for the weekend: MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. (Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Place in Heaven (Joke)

Place in Heaven (Joke) A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi driver, of New York City!” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.” The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and now the minister is at the first of the line. He stands erect and, without being asked, proclaims, “I am Joseph Snow, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years!” Saint Peter consults his list. Looking up, he says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff, but I get wood and cotton. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Interview with a One-Year-Old

Hahahah! This is so funny!
Pay attention when the kid says " You need to go to a doctor." hahahah!
Thanks to @ParisHilton for sharing this on twitter. Really made my day.
AHAHAHAHAHAH!

World's Greatest Resume Ever!!

Funny Car Modifications

That's How The Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......



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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...



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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........




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CELEBRITY HOMES

CELEBRITY HOMES


John Travolta



Halle Berry



Oprah



J-Lo and Mark Anthony



Eddie Murphy



Billy Joel




Hugh Hefner



Sylvester Stallone





Tiger Woods

Hitler responds to the iPad

Hitler has been dreaming about the day that Apple's tablet will be announced. That day has come and he is not pleased.

Little Led Liding Hoot (M'sian and Singlish version)

Once upon a time hor, got one girl little led liding hoot. She want to go to Ah Mah's house. Morning alleady she go out one, she got take come one basket to put flower. She "do want" to walk long-long so go take shot cut. Wah!!! she dono got one animal follow her one hor! She happy-happy walk until she come to Ah Mah house.

"Ah Mah! Ah Mah! I come, open the door leh?" she talk. Then Ah Mah also talk back, "Come in lah I never close one." Little Led Liding Hoot open the house and go inside door.....

oh, solly solly....
...open the door and go inside the house, she got see her Ah Mah on top of the bed. She go ask Ah Mah.

"AH Mah, how come your eye vely big one hor?"

"So I can see you maahhhhh!!!" Ah Mah say back.

"Ah Mah, how come your year vely long one?"

"So vely easy to hear you one laah!!!!"

"Ah Mah, how come......."

"Aiyaa!!!! SO many question one ah you.... never die before heh?"

"Soly lah Ah Mah, I dono mah that's why I ask".

"What soly-soly! Now I want to eat you, I not Ah Mah, I animal one you know................."

Wah! Little Led Liding Hoot vely scared one, she scleam vely loud but llate alleady, the animal alleady eat her. She now inside stomach one.

Suddenly got one people, cut wood one, go inside the house. He want to save Little Led Liding Hoot, he go and cut the animal stomach and take out everything, but he too late, Little Led Liding Hoot become s*&t alleady............

Basic English...Wahahaha!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama... The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how r u'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'.. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is... When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.) Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...' Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'. Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

ME and MY BOSS

ME and MY BOSS


When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough


When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,


When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
He is cooperating,


When I make a mistake,
I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
He's only human.


When I am out of the office,
I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
He's on business.


When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.


When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview .
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's overworked


When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets


what to do?????????????

The Passenger

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"King Street," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Three Labrador Retrievers

There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed." The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?" And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her." The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

EVER WONDER...

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"