One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
--
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
To Be 6 Again...
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.. Since her birthday was not
Far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.. Since her birthday was not
Far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, April 17, 2010
FW: Hahah... Funny wrong email
Subject: Wrong email.....haha
A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile...... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 Mar 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to see you TOMORROW !
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile...... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 Mar 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to see you TOMORROW !
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
CELEBRITY HOMES
CELEBRITY HOMES
John Travolta
Halle Berry
Oprah
J-Lo and Mark Anthony
Eddie Murphy
Billy Joel
Hugh Hefner
Sylvester Stallone
Tiger Woods
John Travolta
Halle Berry
Oprah
J-Lo and Mark Anthony
Eddie Murphy
Billy Joel
Hugh Hefner
Sylvester Stallone
Tiger Woods
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
His & Her Riddles!
How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
- It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
- God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
- It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
- God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.
Why Men Have Better Friends
Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.
Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.
Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.
SIGNS of the TIMES!
On a laundromat washing machine:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
On a College Bulletin Board:
The seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Outside a disco:
MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN
EVERYONE WELCOME
On a maternity room door:
PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.
In an Office:
Warning: Dates On Calendar Are Closer Than They Appear.
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -
25 CENTS DO-IT-YOURSELF
In a cleaner's shop:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE
FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF
On a Secretary's Desk:
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
In a hotel:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
On a repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING
Please knock hard - the bell doesn't work.
In an office building restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
On a Plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip -
Call your plumber!
On a tire shop:
INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT!
In a veterinarian's office:
Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!
On a health food store:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
On a fence:
SALESMEN WELCOME!
Dog food is expensive.
In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.
At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place!
On a funeral home:
DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
On a College Bulletin Board:
The seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Outside a disco:
MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN
EVERYONE WELCOME
On a maternity room door:
PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.
In an Office:
Warning: Dates On Calendar Are Closer Than They Appear.
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -
25 CENTS DO-IT-YOURSELF
In a cleaner's shop:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE
FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF
On a Secretary's Desk:
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
In a hotel:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
On a repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING
Please knock hard - the bell doesn't work.
In an office building restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
On a Plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip -
Call your plumber!
On a tire shop:
INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT!
In a veterinarian's office:
Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!
On a health food store:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.
On a fence:
SALESMEN WELCOME!
Dog food is expensive.
In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.
At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place!
On a funeral home:
DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.
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