MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Joke time for the weekend: MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. (Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Place in Heaven (Joke)

Place in Heaven (Joke) A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi driver, of New York City!” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.” The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and now the minister is at the first of the line. He stands erect and, without being asked, proclaims, “I am Joseph Snow, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years!” Saint Peter consults his list. Looking up, he says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff, but I get wood and cotton. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

Interview with a One-Year-Old

Hahahah! This is so funny!
Pay attention when the kid says " You need to go to a doctor." hahahah!
Thanks to @ParisHilton for sharing this on twitter. Really made my day.
AHAHAHAHAHAH!

Darth Vader's little Secret Revealed

Ohhhh noooooooooooo!!!

World's Greatest Resume Ever!!

Plates And Cups Are Alive!

Talk about major creepiness – Israeli artist Ronit Baranga is gaining a name for herself by creating some truly bizarre tableware (such as plates and cups with fingers and mouths).  While this disturbing dinnerware may cause some people to lose their appetites, the artist herself says that she wants people to feel something when we see her art work. She doesn’t care what we feel, just that we feel anything.

Funny Car Modifications

That's How The Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


________________________________



I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


________________________________



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



________________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


________________________________



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



________________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......



________________________________



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...



________________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........




--

To Be 6 Again...

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.. Since her birthday was not
Far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

FW: Hahah... Funny wrong email

Subject: Wrong email.....haha

A man checked into a hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile...... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 Mar 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to see you TOMORROW !


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

CELEBRITY HOMES

CELEBRITY HOMES


John Travolta



Halle Berry



Oprah



J-Lo and Mark Anthony



Eddie Murphy



Billy Joel




Hugh Hefner



Sylvester Stallone





Tiger Woods

His & Her Riddles!

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
- It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.



Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
- God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

SIGNS of the TIMES!

On a laundromat washing machine:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

On a College Bulletin Board:
The seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Outside a disco:
MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN
EVERYONE WELCOME

On a maternity room door:
PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.

In an Office:
Warning: Dates On Calendar Are Closer Than They Appear.

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -
25 CENTS DO-IT-YOURSELF

In a cleaner's shop:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE
FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF

On a Secretary's Desk:
The buck doesn't even slow down here!

In a hotel:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

On a repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING
Please knock hard - the bell doesn't work.

In an office building restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

On a Plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip -
Call your plumber!

On a tire shop:
INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT!

In a veterinarian's office:
Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!

On a health food store:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

On a fence:
SALESMEN WELCOME!
Dog food is expensive.

In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place!

On a funeral home:
DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.