Men and Women's Dictionary

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!

The Witty Boy...

Wahahaha! This is sooo funny! I got the last 10 Qs wrong myself! Nyahahaha!



A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of
her
students.
The teacher asked the boy, "what is your problem?"
The boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher
explained
to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Anna he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave and so she agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her,
"I
think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Anna says to the principal, "I have some of my own
questions, can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Anna asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Anna: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Anna: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms Anna: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
but the boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms Anna: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a
dog does on three legs? The Principal's eyes open really wide and
before he
could stop the answer..
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Anna: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Ms Anna: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I
get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large
Vodka
peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me,
you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat
and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get
it
you have to use your hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than
on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after
they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, Send
this
boy to Stanford University , I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

Top 10 Best Women Drivers of the Year

9th Place Goes To:





8th Place Goes To:




7th Place Goes To:




6th Place Goes To:



5th Place Goes To:


4th Place Goes To:




The Bronze Medal Winner:







The Silver Medal Winner:




Her helmet is being worn backwards
..... and finally, here is our 2006 Women Drivers Awards
*** Gold Medal Winner ***




WOW ! ! How the heck...?!?
Oh never mind... CONGRATULATIONS ! !

This concludes the
2008 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.
Thank you to all contestants for giving
us all a reason to laugh & smile! Hahaha!

Filipino Jokes!

Bisaya 1: "Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan."!
Bisaya 2: "Dili bay!"
Bisaya 1: "Kay Hipi?"
Bisaya 2: "Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulat niya sa likud o,
'SAFARI'."
_______

Misis: "Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala niya ang
limang anak namin."
Radio Host: "Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: "Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa iyo
diyan!"
_______

Hello! Heto na naman ako. Gulung-gulo ulit ang isip ko. May nais lang sana
akong itanong sa inyo.
Alam ko matutulungan niyo ako. Ang BIRDS FLU
ba ay past tense ng BIRDS FLY?
_______

Nakasakay ka sa FX ng ikaw ay mautot. Buti na lang malakas ang tugtog.
Bawat pag-utot, sabay sa tugtog. Nang ikaw ay bumaba, ang sasama ng tingin
nila sa iyo, bigla mong naalala...naka Walkman ka pala!
_______

WIFE: Himala! 'Aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi n'ya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito
uwi agad ako..
_______

Lasing (takot): May multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: Ha? Bakit?
Lasing: Kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ko ng banyo eh.
Wife: Punyeta ka! Ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!
________

1st night lola wore see-thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night lola wore t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd night lola all naked, lolo said "Anu 'yang suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"
________

AMO: Sagutin mo ang telepon, Inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak sa telepono) Hilo? Hilo?
AMO: Baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Lohi? Lohi?
AMO: 'Yung telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili? Puntili?
_______

Juan: B-day ng asawa ko.
Pedro: Anong regalo mo?
J: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
P: Ano naman sinabi?
J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
P: Ano binigay mo?
J: Baraha.
________

Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na 'ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang
linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang.

________

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na 'to, let's make
love.
Husband: Heh! Tumigil ka nga! Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw
hindi na.
_______

KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, isang oras na tayo dito wala pa rin
siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."

Joke time!

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad says we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!

-----


Prospective Employer to Applicant: "So why did you leave your previous
job?"
Applicant: "The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"

Girl wearing a skintight miniskirt at Bus Stop

Got this from Digg. No pictures though so please don't ask me.


"One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

Cinder Block Wall Crushes Dude's Leg! Ouuuch!

I don't feel this is one video to laugh about. But there's a lesson to be learned here.
Don't go breakin your walls! Lolx!

Cinder Block Wall Crushes Dudes Leg - Watch more free videos