A little girl asked her mother,
'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered,
'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered,
'Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Husband's woes ..lolx!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,
came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped
at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried
to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the
way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the
pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went
to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't
know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back.'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine
months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school,
came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped
at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried
to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the
way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the
pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went
to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't
know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back.'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and
I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine
months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
8 inches long
THE
RANGE
OF
8
INCHES
LONG.
THE
FUNCTIONING
OF
WHICH
IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.
IS
USUALLY
FOUND
HUNG,
DANGLING
READY
LOOSLEY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.
IT
BOASTS
OF
A
CLUMP
OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE
END
AND
SMALL
HOLE
AT
THE
OTHER.
IN
USE,
IT
IS
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES
SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO
A
WARM,
FLESHY,
MOIST
OPENING
WHERE
IT
IS
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND
AGAIN
MANY
TIMES
IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED
BY
SQUIRMING
BODILY
MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING
IN
WILL
MOST
SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND,
RESULTING
FROM
THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.
WHEN
FINALLY
WITHDRAWN,
IT
LEAVES
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
WHITE
STICKY
SUBSTANCE,
SOME
OF
WHICH
WILL
NEED
CLEANING
FROM
THE
OUTER
SURFACES
OF
THE
OPENING
AND
SOME
OF
FROM
ITS
LONG
GLISTENING
SHAFT.
AFTER
EVERYTHING
IS
DONE
AND
THE
FLOWING
AND
CLEANSING
LIQUIDS
HAVE
CEASED
EMANATING,
IT
IS
RETURNED
TO
ITS
FREELY
HANGING
STATE
OF
REST,
READY
YET
FOR
ANOTHER
BIT
OF
ACTION,
HOPEFULLY
REACHING
ITS
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES
A
DAY,
BUT
OFTEN
MUCH
LESS..
WHAT AM I?
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN...
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
TOOTHBRUSH ...
what were you
thinking?
You PERVERT!
GOTCHA!
RANGE
OF
8
INCHES
LONG.
THE
FUNCTIONING
OF
WHICH
IS
ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.
IS
USUALLY
FOUND
HUNG,
DANGLING
READY
LOOSLEY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.
IT
BOASTS
OF
A
CLUMP
OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
ONE
END
AND
SMALL
HOLE
AT
THE
OTHER.
IN
USE,
IT
IS
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS
WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES
SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES
QUICKLY,
INTO
A
WARM,
FLESHY,
MOIST
OPENING
WHERE
IT
IS
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN
OUT
AGAIN
AND
AGAIN
MANY
TIMES
IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED
BY
SQUIRMING
BODILY
MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING
IN
WILL
MOST
SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING
SOUND,
RESULTING
FROM
THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.
WHEN
FINALLY
WITHDRAWN,
IT
LEAVES
BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
WHITE
STICKY
SUBSTANCE,
SOME
OF
WHICH
WILL
NEED
CLEANING
FROM
THE
OUTER
SURFACES
OF
THE
OPENING
AND
SOME
OF
FROM
ITS
LONG
GLISTENING
SHAFT.
AFTER
EVERYTHING
IS
DONE
AND
THE
FLOWING
AND
CLEANSING
LIQUIDS
HAVE
CEASED
EMANATING,
IT
IS
RETURNED
TO
ITS
FREELY
HANGING
STATE
OF
REST,
READY
YET
FOR
ANOTHER
BIT
OF
ACTION,
HOPEFULLY
REACHING
ITS
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES
A
DAY,
BUT
OFTEN
MUCH
LESS..
WHAT AM I?
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED,
THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN...
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
TOOTHBRUSH ...
what were you
thinking?
You PERVERT!
GOTCHA!
Men and Women's Dictionary
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!
The Witty Boy...
Wahahaha! This is sooo funny! I got the last 10 Qs wrong myself! Nyahahaha!
A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of
her
students.
The teacher asked the boy, "what is your problem?"
The boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher
explained
to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Anna he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave and so she agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her,
"I
think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Anna says to the principal, "I have some of my own
questions, can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Anna asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Anna: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Anna: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms Anna: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
but the boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms Anna: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a
dog does on three legs? The Principal's eyes open really wide and
before he
could stop the answer..
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Anna: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Ms Anna: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I
get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large
Vodka
peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me,
you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat
and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get
it
you have to use your hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than
on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after
they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, Send
this
boy to Stanford University , I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of
her
students.
The teacher asked the boy, "what is your problem?"
The boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the Principal's office.
While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher
explained
to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Anna he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave and so she agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her,
"I
think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Anna says to the principal, "I have some of my own
questions, can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Anna asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Anna: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Anna: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms Anna: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
but the boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms Anna: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a
dog does on three legs? The Principal's eyes open really wide and
before he
could stop the answer..
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Anna: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Ms Anna: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I
get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The
best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large
Vodka
peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me,
you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of
heat
and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get
it
you have to use your hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than
on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after
they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of
veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, Send
this
boy to Stanford University , I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"
Top 10 Best Women Drivers of the Year
9th Place Goes To:
8th Place Goes To:
7th Place Goes To:
6th Place Goes To:
5th Place Goes To:
4th Place Goes To:
The Bronze Medal Winner:
The Silver Medal Winner:
Her helmet is being worn backwards
..... and finally, here is our 2006 Women Drivers Awards
*** Gold Medal Winner ***
WOW ! ! How the heck...?!?
Oh never mind... CONGRATULATIONS ! !
This concludes the
2008 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.
Thank you to all contestants for giving
us all a reason to laugh & smile! Hahaha!
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