That's How The Fight Started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......



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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...



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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........




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To Be 6 Again...

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.. Since her birthday was not
Far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he is still gonna get it wrong.


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FW: Hahah... Funny wrong email

Subject: Wrong email.....haha

A man checked into a hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile...... somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 Mar 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to see you TOMORROW !


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

CELEBRITY HOMES

CELEBRITY HOMES


John Travolta



Halle Berry



Oprah



J-Lo and Mark Anthony



Eddie Murphy



Billy Joel




Hugh Hefner



Sylvester Stallone





Tiger Woods

His & Her Riddles!

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
- It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.



Who was the greatest inventor of all time?
- God was! He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

SIGNS of the TIMES!

On a laundromat washing machine:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

On a College Bulletin Board:
The seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Outside a disco:
MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN
EVERYONE WELCOME

On a maternity room door:
PUSH. PUSH. PUSH.

In an Office:
Warning: Dates On Calendar Are Closer Than They Appear.

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE: $1 PER PRE-PACKED BAG -
25 CENTS DO-IT-YOURSELF

In a cleaner's shop:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE
FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS
WILL BE DISPOSED OF

On a Secretary's Desk:
The buck doesn't even slow down here!

In a hotel:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

On a repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING
Please knock hard - the bell doesn't work.

In an office building restroom:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

On a Plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip -
Call your plumber!

On a tire shop:
INVITE US TO YOUR NEXT BLOWOUT!

In a veterinarian's office:
Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!

On a health food store:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

On a fence:
SALESMEN WELCOME!
Dog food is expensive.

In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke,
we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action.

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place!

On a funeral home:
DRIVE CAREFULLY. WE'LL WAIT.

Guess Who I'll Marry!

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Hitler responds to the iPad

Hitler has been dreaming about the day that Apple's tablet will be announced. That day has come and he is not pleased.

NO speak English

NO speak English

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman
and they lived in Honolulu.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed
to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for
groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy a leg of
mutton She didn't know how to put forward her request,
and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went
home with mutton legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she
didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse
to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she
wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her
husband to the store...
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What were you thinking?

Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

Little Led Liding Hoot (M'sian and Singlish version)

Once upon a time hor, got one girl little led liding hoot. She want to go to Ah Mah's house. Morning alleady she go out one, she got take come one basket to put flower. She "do want" to walk long-long so go take shot cut. Wah!!! she dono got one animal follow her one hor! She happy-happy walk until she come to Ah Mah house.

"Ah Mah! Ah Mah! I come, open the door leh?" she talk. Then Ah Mah also talk back, "Come in lah I never close one." Little Led Liding Hoot open the house and go inside door.....

oh, solly solly....
...open the door and go inside the house, she got see her Ah Mah on top of the bed. She go ask Ah Mah.

"AH Mah, how come your eye vely big one hor?"

"So I can see you maahhhhh!!!" Ah Mah say back.

"Ah Mah, how come your year vely long one?"

"So vely easy to hear you one laah!!!!"

"Ah Mah, how come......."

"Aiyaa!!!! SO many question one ah you.... never die before heh?"

"Soly lah Ah Mah, I dono mah that's why I ask".

"What soly-soly! Now I want to eat you, I not Ah Mah, I animal one you know................."

Wah! Little Led Liding Hoot vely scared one, she scleam vely loud but llate alleady, the animal alleady eat her. She now inside stomach one.

Suddenly got one people, cut wood one, go inside the house. He want to save Little Led Liding Hoot, he go and cut the animal stomach and take out everything, but he too late, Little Led Liding Hoot become s*&t alleady............

Basic English...Wahahaha!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama... The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how r u'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'.. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.' It looks quite simple, but the truth is... When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.) Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...' Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'. Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

ME and MY BOSS

ME and MY BOSS


When I Take a long time to finish,
I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time,
he is thorough


When I don't do it,
I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it,
he is busy,


When I do something without being told,
I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same,
he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss,
I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss,
He is cooperating,


When I make a mistake,
I' am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake,
He's only human.


When I am out of the office,
I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office,
He's on business.


When I am on a day off sick,
I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick,
He must be very ill.


When I apply for leave,
I must be going for an interview .
When my boss applies for leave,
it's because he's overworked


When I do good,
my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong,
he never forgets


what to do?????????????

The Passenger

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"King Street," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Three Labrador Retrievers

There are three Labrador retrievers sitting in the waiting room at the vet's. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab. The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?" The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed." The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?" And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?" The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa." The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?" And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."

Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her." The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

Husband's Perfect Gify

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you? " "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. "

Remembering Anniversary

What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

EVER WONDER...

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"

9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"

8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"

7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"

6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"

5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"

4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"

3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"

2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"

1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

A Teenager is...

A Teenager is...

A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

How Smart Are You?

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)







First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)


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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30..
Add another 1000.. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









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Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


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He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!




PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!