If Women Controlled The World

MAKE ANOTHER WOMAN'S DAY,
AND SHARE THE SMILES!

Some Crazy facts!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)




A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)




A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death!

(Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig.)





Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.

(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")




The flea can jump 350 times
its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)




The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)





Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing.)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)




An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)




Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too .)





Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)




Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)




Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send t his to someone you want to bring a smile to.

(maybe even a chuckle.)




In other words, send it to everyone.

Kids are quick ...

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: &nbs p; Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have

today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." < BR>MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
____________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's

cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louis
do you know why his father didn't pu nish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: & nbsp; No, teacher, it's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps

on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Family Feud!

*Family Feud *

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

I am just trying to be good...( a diary)

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow
contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Parochial School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"






So I did..........




I Won't be in Church this weekend


TED

Study of the Rate of Motorcycle Accidents in Jamaica

WHY PARENTS DRINK!

WHY PARENTS DRINK!



A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not

arrived at work or rung in sick.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he rang his

home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.



'Is your daddy home?' he said

'Yes' whispered the small voice



'May I talk with him?'



The child whispered ' No.'





Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked

'Is Mummy there?' ... 'Yes'



'May I talk with her?'



Again the small voice whispered, 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,

asked 'Is anybody else there?'



'Yes,' whispered the child 'a policeman'.



Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's residence,

'May I speak with the policeman?'



'No, he's busy' whispered the child.



'Busy doing what?'



'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman' came the whisper.



Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked

'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.



'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly worried.

Again, whispering, the child answered 'The search team just arrived.'



Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated, the boss asked 'What are they searching for?'



Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled response

'me'.

Secretary's Resimay (Resume)

SECRETARY 'S RESUME

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can
Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole
really seam to respond to me belly well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru
my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to
pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me
taken at my last jobb.





Employer's reply:......


Dear Peggy,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.....
Welcome onboard!!

How To Ask Your Boss For A Salary Increase

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!




Dear Bo$$



In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,



Norman $oh



The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:



Dear NOrman,



I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

How To Ask Your Boss For A Salary Increase

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!




Dear Bo$$



In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,



Norman $oh



The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:



Dear NOrman,



I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Don't Talk To The Parrot

I received this from a friend. lolx!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" !

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.




The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his ince ssant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

" Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!